Shadows to light

“Jessie, GIRLLLL you are so psychic! Everyone has gifts of their own. Some of us just choose not to know them and thats okay…but you…you have a gift. Don’t be ashamed.”

These were the words my grandmother shared with me around age 10 while sitting in her living room as I explored her books and drawers to see what I steal. It was one of the many times in life that I had confided in her the many “scary” experiences as I called them back then. To a 10 year old girl, being able to “see and hear” was terrifying….to Barbara Jean Lightsy, it was all normal. You see, I come from a line of deeply spiritual women but my grandmother was my champion. A proud black woman who was 40 years into being an intuitive reader and counselor. I could call her and ask anything I wanted and not be judged or shamed, I could confide in her, I could laugh, cry etc. But the most important thing she ever did for me an still does, was that she normalized my spiritual gifts and that in itself made me feel human again.

After my grandmother used the word “psychic” for the first time, I would hear people say “Oh thats not real” or “That’s demonic”. Many times in church and to be honest, I was embarrassed. The more I privately grew in my spiritual gifts, the more publicly I noticed people making jokes about psychic’s and making fun of spiritually gifted people in general. People like my Grandmother, my aunts, and my mother…people like me. I felt this part of me being involuntarily being erased. So I did what any normal human would do to fit in: I played pretend. I was the queeeeeeen of making fun of spiritual weirdos who believed they could “feel” peoples pain and “talk to the dead”. I suddenly believed it was all bullshit. This was simply one of my many experiences with spiritual trauma. I simply didn’t know it.

It wasn’t until I was 22 years old that my mask of pretending was so good, even I had forgotten about that part of me…until I had a break up. For me, it was a break up from a partner that sent me into total darkness. I like to say that the shock and pain from the break up itself was so intense, that it truly felt as though a part of me had died. During those 3 years of darkness I grew immensely into my gifts, I started to give readings, I became certified in reiki, I taught high school students and was teaching at a treatment center assisting women battling drug and alcohol abuse. I accomplished a lot, yet I was still in the dark.

This is where I get very candid with you all: By the time I was 25 years old, I had already had 2 suicide attempts. My desire to leave this Earth was not because I hated my life or the world around me. It was because I felt so alone in my experience. Not only was I starting to fully see and hear in the spiritual realm…but I also started to remember past life experiences. Past life experiences of me being burned alive for having spiritual gifts, or me being ostracized completely for assisting someone in my village at that time. I was horrified to be quite frank with you because this was something that I considered to be embarrassing and wrong. Throughout my years I simply was afraid of that past life pattern repeating: If you share who you are, you will be hurt in some way. For me, I was intensely afraid of being ostracized. So I didn’t speak. Ever. It wasn’t until very recently that I decided to reach out to a friend and say that I needed to share this truth. To be honest, it was my dark moment for me and I was worried I would hurt myself because of what was coming up.Instead, I reached out. Thank God she wasn’t available that night because it forced me to confront God and the lifetimes of trauma I have experienced. Yes, lifetimes. (If you have received a reading from me its very obvious this isn’t my first time on Earth HELLOO). I was angry.

Spiritual Trauma is something we rarely address in our world. We are conditioned and trained to be positive and grateful for everything. And that’s important…but what if we are angry with God? Whomever? Say it! Be angry. It’s only when we are willing to confront those emotions and work through them that we can truly come back to love. We are only human. I am proud of the darkness I have overcome, I’m just not proud that I went through it alone. This blog post marks a new beginning for me, where the world gets to see me in my truest light. I will never be silent again about who I am, and what I have walked through. I am a healer, but I am also human. I deserve to be seen and be loved. It is through my deepest of pain that I understand this world and humanity so deeply. I am here to be a contributor in healing our world simply by sharing myself with all of you. Your deepest of trials and wounds are the eyes to humanity. Look within and see what you’ll find.

Happy Sunday,

Jessxx