23; Journey to Self-Love.

Hi guys! I hope wherever you are that you are enjoying the lovely light and growth of April, I definitely am. I’ve decided to share some things with you that I’ve learned over the last 3 months because I believe there is something that every single person can take from this blog post. A few of you know this already but, I turn 23 next weekend, April 13th. WOOOHOOOO! Normally I would think “Oh my god, I want this for my birthday” or “Who am I inviting to my party” To be quite frank with you, this birthday feels very different in the best way possible.

3 months ago I was living life as usual. I woke up every morning at 8:30am, sometimes 9am on weekends. I’d go to work until 4pm and then I’d go to my teaching job with my kiddos until 6 or 7pm. After that I’d come home and sit on my phone and then eventually fall asleep. I have to be honest with you all and say I was just plain angry and depressed and have been for about almost a year now. I wasn’t really talking to anyone in my life and when I was, it was surface level. My heart quite literally felt heavy up until a few weeks ago. I woke up one Wednesday morning and thought “I don’t like this” and not only did I not like it, I actually wanted to CHANGE IT (What!!). I spent the entire day realizing why things weren’t coming together like I’ve wanted them to and why I’ve felt so heavy.

I hate to get all hippy dippy on y’all but whenever something went wrong in my life, or someone “wronged” me. I placed blame. Not only did I place blame, but I let it sit on my heart like a freakin’ leech and it drained me. The crazy part was that I didn’t even realize it was draining me. Not once did I think “why is this happening” or go within, I just continued to create more of a mess and I let it sit there. Experiences going from WAYYYY back had been with me and I hadn’t acknowledged it. I now see the importance in being able to take a good hard look at myself and take responsibility for my own actions (which is extremely important for a young gal in her early 20’s). It’s not always fun, but how can you expect to move forward when resentment, anger and unhealed moments are holding your arms back, NOT letting you move forward? What does it mean for us as people to learn to respond and not react? Mind you, this is coming from me, an angry Aries who is the most hot headed of them all but its something to think about. The most important realization that came to light was that I did not truly love and support myself. I remember hearing people say “You have to love yourself before you can love anything or anyone else” and I remember thinking “Ha! Yeah right”. I haven’t been operating from a place of love and compassion as much as I could unfortunately. I believe that’s why we’re put on this earth, to fulfill out purpose but doing it from a place of deep empathy and understanding. It’s not always easy. But let me tell you, when you start to do the work, things change. I believe it comes down to these key 3 things:

1. Acknowledge/Take Responsibility

2. Release.

3. Love.

I began to switch gears and think “how can I change to benefit myself and the people around me.” Let go of ego and accept humility. I’m beginning to nurture my self-esteem and allowing it to grow. I’m pulling the weeds of fear, self-doubt, and anger out and replacing them with new seeds of love, abundance and acceptance. A good friend of mine who I admire a great deal said“ Jess, you gotta stop looking back at what’s behind you and look ahead.” WOAH that’s real. The past is over and done with but what’s in front of you? Not only are we a product of our environment, but we create the environment as well. Balance is key. I hope this post was helpful for anyone who is feeling stuck emotionally in some way. Thank you all and stay tuned for my next post!