Unlock, Recharge, Level Up

What’s up peopleeee! It’s been a hot minute since I’ve posted. It’s been a wonderful 2019 so far, and January has already begun to fly by I can hardly believe it! I gotta be real with y’all: These last 3 months have been the toughest moments of my life and I wanted to take some time to share/reveal what I’ve gained from it thus far.

Often times, we as people, young people especially, are conditioned one way or another to tuck away certain parts of ourselves. Myself included. Three months ago I was struggling to keep the darkest parts of myself hidden from everyone, especially me. What they don’t tell you about being out of school is that over 80 percent of college graduates deal with some form of a post college depression. I had heard of this term before a long time ago, but I of course brushed it off because I thought “Of course by the time I graduate I will have had all these jobs lined up and living in my dream city” Blah blah. When this didn’t happen for me right away, I assumed I was a failure. Mainly because I was continuously comparing my career to someone else, or I wasn’t looking at the bigger picture. So what did I do? I shut down. I spent a good 3-4 months pulling myself into a hole and not knowing how to get out of it. I didn’t want to get out of it. I even had a period where I thought “Maybe I’m not meant to do anything at all. Why am I doing this?” WRONG! I thought I had done everything right. I was getting callbacks for some amazing theatre’s and even for a few Broadway shows. Doors were wide open for me and I wanted to slam them shut, and sometimes they’d shut themselves on their own. Why?

It wasn’t until I recently went into a callback for a show that I realized that I have spent most of my life living for the people around me. Whether that be a parent, friend, etc. I had to take a step back, return to the drawing board and think “What do I want to do?”. It’s funny because I think back to who I was in High School versus College. Both of those periods in my life were successful and worth-while. However, the difference is that in High School I was fearless. I smile as I type this because I think back to my first audition in High School and I had no clue what was going on, but it felt fun. With each show I grew more confident in the craft but I was still shameless, excited and most importantly: I was grateful. College was a little harder for me, I was one of very few people of color in my program and I became really small in some ways. I let critiques from old classes and performances from years ago weigh me down to the point where it followed me into the audition room AFTER College. I’m not at all ashamed to say that because most people are the exact same way. We are all a work in progress, especially as artists.

So what now? Well, now that I have brushed and peeled away all of the pain, critiques, and doubt, I have now finally begun to see Jess. And she’s a work in progress. But that’s the best part! Doors that I never thought would open for me and career are FLYING open. I’ve learned in the last 3 months that it’s okay to have some nights where you need to cry it out. I’m more than okay with going back to the drawing board on how to support myself and others around me in a healthy and positive way. A very important person in my life a few weeks ago said to me “Life is a roller coaster that we can’t really get off of. You can’t hold onto everyone else’s seat belt because you aren’t holding onto your own.” WOW…that’s some pretty powerful stuff. I hope that this little excerpt was a little helpful for someone out there who’s a little afraid to admit that they have to go back to the drawing board and push through the mud to see themselves again. Stay tuned for my next post tomorrow….it’s a good one. MUAHAHAHA!